Interview with Nick from The Male Infertility Podcast
It’s Men’s Health Week and there’s no better time than the present to talk about male infertility. Male factor infertility affects almost half of all couples having trouble conceiving and is the second biggest issue after a woman’s age. So why do men find it so hard to talk about it?
We asked Nick from the The Male Infertility Podcast to talk to us about his incredible initiative to break the taboo surrounding male infertility. Nick has experienced infertility first hand and is making it his mission to share his story and offer support for those going through male infertility so no one ever feels alone.
Hey Nick! Can you tell us a bit about yourself and why you decided to record The Male Infertility Podcast?
Hi, so I’m Nick Denton and I’m a Head Chef, Voice actor and the Host of the MIP – The Male Infertility Podcast. The MIP was conceived from a lack of male infertility support out there to be honest, admittedly that was a year ago and there is now definitely more help than there was even 1 year ago, which is great. I thought, I’m going through this life changing situation and maybe…someone would appreciate an insight and some help from someone who is going through this, hence the podcast was born.
What are you hoping to achieve with your podcast?
“I want men to know they are not alone. Myself and others have their backs! 100%”
Creating Awareness around male infertility and being supportive to anyone who needs it, also I wanted help to put a stop to the stigmas around MFI (male factor infertility). The thing about MFI is it does not just affect you physically, it’s everything else that comes from it, shooting off in all directions each being their own issues.
It’s probably the most emasculating thing that can happen to a man and think how that could make you feel, one day you’re thinking yeah, I can’t wait to have a family and the next day boom! Oh, sorry sir you can’t naturally conceive kids, the thing you have been put on earth to do, that’s as natural as eating, drinking and sleeping.
If some of my experiences and thoughts on it all can help even just a hand full of people, then I will be happy.
A lot of the time men find it difficult to seek support when diagnosed with infertility. Why do you think there is such a stigma associated with male infertility and do you see this changing?
Well I think this is the million-dollar question!
But to be honest the answer is obvious, and we all know why really. Its literally a matter of manliness and pride! As I got at in the last question its emasculating and what man wants that, I know I didn’t!
Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not a matter of caring, loving or being cute sometimes. With men there is a lot of bravado and look hey I’m the man I will do manly stuff and look as manly and tough all the time, especially when you’re around them all the time or have a group of mates who say go drinking or footy or whatever. When we meet up, we mess around, take the piss and so on. We look for chinks in the next man’s armour to get a dig in. This is one of the reasons for sure!
I alluded to side effects of MFI and the main one for sure has to be how it affects you mentally. You have taken a kick to the balls, sorry had to! The hundreds of different thoughts and feelings that run around your head after finding out the news is crazy! What do I do now? Will my partner still love me and want to be with me? How do I tell my parents, family, friend? Do we keep this a secret? So on! We have seen a massive move in the last few years to create awareness around mental health, now it’s time for as many as possible to do the same with MFI. There are so many men out there going through this tough time and we need to be there for each other, like a brotherhood 😊
My final point on this though is, the man wont want to talk about his feelings and MFI without feeling like he is ready to, (obviously this isn’t all men but definitely the majority) you can force it, but… all you’ll get is the defensive shield goes up and you won’t get anything. He will be in denial, grieving with out even realising, still trying to act tough when he is breaking inside, when he does talk be prepared to see how raw and emotional he is and be as supportive as possible.
What advice would you give to someone going through a male infertility diagnosis?
The diagnosis of getting, for me anyway a big fat zero was, shock and are you f*cking for real! Even after the 3 tests! I mean we will all go through slightly differing feeling obviously, but I mean, how do you tell someone you can’t naturally conceive kids and expect anything other than shock and disbelief.
I mean you’re a completely fit guy, nothing wrong with you and then wham! Its so much to take in and understand that will affect you for the rest of your life, whether its bad or eventually good down the line its still there! MFI won’t go away, even though you hope it will! Now I know we spoke about men not opening up in the last question, but, when you find out about the diagnosis talking is so obvious and massive for you and your partner to do that if you don’t, the pain will drag on and on and on, esp for some! There is no sugar coating this it’s difficult and will take time.
“ Time, talking, understanding, these are key!”
One other point, this is what I thought about anyways was, I’ve just had this bomb dropped on my life, but this bomb came down on my wife too and how does she feel and how’s this affecting her. She had dreams like I did for a family and now it suddenly become so much harder to achieve, or sometimes impossible. Time, Talking, understanding, these are key! Actually, one last point, some men after finding out the results find out no info on MFI and others go full on with swatting up about it. I say do what you feel comfortable doing, but I would recommend at least find out the basics. It will massively help you if you can at least understand part of it!
How do you feel about donor sperm and what advice would you give to someone considering embarking on this journey?
Well My feelings about donor sperm are quite strong, the reason for this… the wife wouldn’t be pregnant right now without it! 😊
After finding out that I didn’t have any sperm hiding in my balls after the micro tese, we spoke for a while about what route to take next, she wasn’t sure at first if donor would be the best route as she really wanted any future babies to a part of us both but after discussing it and me being comfortable with using donor sperm. I told her I wanted her to be able to get pregnant and be able to go through the whole process of pregnancy as I thought it was only fair!
The thoughts about using donor sperm are many and crazy, but once you get past the thoughts, obviously in your own time and after talking about it.
I feel very strongly about my heritage and family history, so this was one thing to get over, which was difficult I’m not going to lie, incredibly difficult. But I did!
I knew that the baby may not be mine biologically, but they would be mine. I would help nurture them, help them grow, learn and become the next Denton! It can be uncomfortable going through the thought process as she may not be taking your DNA, but I knew this wouldn’t stop me loving her as much or caring as much. If anything after going through the whole process, with everything that comes with it, we knew she would be the most loved baby ever in our eyes. We would not have had her if we didn’t really want her.
Now people can say, what about the donor?
Well I say thanks mate! I mean I don’t want to know you or know to much about you, but It can’t be understated enough, if he hadn’t gone out of his way to go through all the tests and process of donating sperm, then me and the wife wouldn’t be having our little baby.
Look on the flip side, if you do not want to go down the donor sperm route then that’s cool, you do you! Do what you and your partner feel is the best for both of you. It may not be easy to come to a compromise but if you want it to work, it will! Don’t just say yeah let’s do this donor sperm thing, when deep down you don’t want to and you’re only saying it because your partner wants to. Express your feelings and let them know, Talk to each other. Plus, if you’re looking for advice, look online and find people who have gone down this route. Find out as much info as you can know you’re not alone.
I just want to say the community on Instagram is incredible for all things regarding infertility. The people there care so much and are so supportive, so don’t be afraid to reach out to us all!
Thank you for sharing your experience Nick and for all that you are doing to help others.
Where can people find you?
The Male Infertility Podcast Links